Common Sense

This blog is usually on the humorous side, at least I try to make it somewhat funny, but this entry is actually serious.

As I read/ watch the news regarding these full body scanners being implemented at airports due to suicide bomber threats on airplanes, it just makes my blood boil. Why should we have to go through such indignity at the airport when we all know these threats always come from Muslim Extremists? And so far, it sure seems like they are all men between 18 and 50. Forgive me for sounding politically incorrect, but let's start using common sense at airports.

It is time that we single out these people who fit the profile of these bombers. Let's have them thoroughly screened at airports. I realize that most of these people are good and decent so yes, what a shame for this group to have to be inconvenienced and humiliated. But why should grandma and the rest of us be?

Okay, fine

The official international readership poll has been completed, The accountants and attorneys have finished their tabulations and analysis, and it would appear that the vast majority if not 100% of this blog's readers are women. Okay fine, I have no problem with that. Three of the most important people in my life happen to be women-- wife, mom and that lady who runs Backer's Pastry Shop. I sort of feel like the lone man in this Relief Societal blogger world--

Ladies, we shall carry on!

Gentlemen, you are invited to participate.

Another poll

Okay, I know how these polls go. Ask a question and if you're lucky, two people respond. Not sure why that is--maybe it's because it's so difficult to click one of the buttons--I don't know.

Anyway, my question to anyone who wants to bother to strain themselves for a moment:

Are you a man reading this or are you a woman?

Not only is that a very simple question, it's also safe. I have no idea who you are and promise not to zap your bank account (even if I could).

Okay ready, set, a couple of deep breaths and...Click!

Sanitary Insanity

Do you have a certain level of germaphobia? Thanks to the H1N1 Flu scare, I think most of us might be a bit more careful than we use to be. How many of the following can you answer "yes" to?

Do you use the complimentary wipes to clean the grocery cart?

Do you use a paper towel to open the door of a public restroom? Do you avoid touching anything while in there?

Do you avoid the handrail of stairs and escalators?

Do you wonder how many germs are on the nozzle of a bottle of liquid hand sanitizer even while squirting some on your hands?

Do you hold your breath when you walk by certain people?

Do you avoid handling cash because of the germ issue?

Do you push the elevator button with something other than your finger? Do you avoid elevators all together?

Do you vigorously wipe your utensils with your napkin at a restaurant? Do you then make contact with these utensils with just your teeth and not your lips?

If someone sneezes in a room, do you walk out? Do you make a derogatory remark while leaving?

Do you wipe down library books with a disinfectant wipe?

Do you avoid shaking hands?

Do you take your own pair of scissors and comb to the barber?

Do you have your own pair of bowling shoes? Do you have your own bowling ball?

Do you quickly wipe down the dental chair while no one is looking?

Do you clean the receiver before using public telephones?

Well, I guess that's enough. Can you think of any others? and, uh, would you mind backing up a little from you computer screen?

Baseball

It's that time of year where baseball gets kind of interesting. Some questions that I might ask a player:

You don't see a football, basketball or hockey coach wear the player's uniform, so why does the manager of a baseball team wear the same uniform as the players? Is there that slight possibility that the manager might actually get out there and play?

Why do you guys spit so much? Do you at home? If so, what does your wife think of it?

Now if I were to attempt to slide into a base, I'd run, fall and just stop dead in my tracks about five feet away from the base (writhing in unabashed pain). So, how do you actually do that slide?

Finally, how do you hit a ball going 90 mph? I don't suppose that's easy and that's one of the reasons I watch some.

Next to

That's the type of singer I am. Not bass, not baritone nor alto. It's whatever the person next to me happens to be singing. I just follow their lead. I was once in a massive church choir for a few weeks working on a special program. They let anyone in this choir so there I was in the bass section. Whenever we started to sing, I'd follow the guy next to me. It was great. We had a deep rich bass voice, until my "next to" buddy would turn his head for a moment and I could hear my own off-key squeaky voice making a mockery of the song. Then when he'd turn back we started to sound magnificent again.
When I sing hymns in church I might sing some pseudo bass/ baritone but if the lady behind me is singing soprano loud enough, don't be surprised if I start singing mezzo.

A Cartoon

Click here to see a cartoon.

Men Women and Laundry

Do women clean clothes better than your average man? I think so. Men will typically stuff as many clothes as they can in the washer, add some soap and hope for the best. Here is a sample of a white sheet cleaned by a man. We could call it adequate.

A woman on the other hand will more likely separate the clothes according to colors and materials and use a variety of detergents, bleaches, color guards, oxy cleaners and so forth to get those clothes looking brilliant and smelling like an afternoon rainstorm. Here is the same white sheet washed by a woman.

Avis Urbanus

You would think that it would be easy to get a bunch of ornithologists excited about my historic bird discovery but so far, no one seems to be interested. Fine, I don't mind taking all the credit, but they better not complain when I appear on the cover of National Geographic with my discovery. I seem to have come across a new bird species. Now I admit, I haven't exactly seen one yet, but I have heard them. They seem to nest quite frequently at urban intersections, especially those with stop lights. In fact, I think they actually make their nests somewhere inside the stop light itself. I notice this bird makes two types of sounds or calls. I believe the adult makes a distinct "cuckoo-cuckoo" sound while the chicks seem to respond to the adults by making a vibrant "chirp-chirp" sound. The only thing I have come up with so far is an artist's rendition of this magnificent bird, and since no one else seems interested I have given it a tentative name of Avis Urbanus. I'm sure once I get an actual photograph, then the bird enthusiasts will come knocking at my door. In the mean time I guess I'm on my own climbing up these stop light poles with my camera. Sure the gawkers may get their jollies looking up at me, but my discovery will be well worth it. Anyone want to take the night shift?

Incident at the stop light

Have you ever stopped alongside someone at a stop light minding your own business, but then you notice by your peripheral vision that he/she is staring at you. You don't want to make a big scene about it so you continue to look ahead as though it's not bothering you. Time ticks by slowly and you can feel the stare. "When is this light going to change?" you ask yourself as the stare starts to make your skin crawl. How rude! that constant unrelenting stare. Then you decide to fight fire with fire. You're going to abruptly turn your head and stare right back at him! No one is going to get the best of you in this game of wills. No sir! And so you look! and you see...

Buffet Transcript

Here is a transcript of a conversation I didn't actually have at a buffet but I just as well could have:

Me: Hello! my good-hearted fellow. I see you are the cashier at this fine establishment.

Him: Will that be two?

Me: Well, actually I wanted to talk to you about that. See my petite wife here really doesn't eat much and I was wondering if she could get in for say, I don't know, three bucks?

Him: (staring at me)

Wife: (staring at me with a very disappointed/painful look)

Me: No really, I have done a cost benefit analysis of this situation and if the two of us come in paying full price, we would certainly not come out ahead like our friendly pacific islander family will who came just before us, and I...

Him: (picking me up and throwing me out) Scram cheapskate!

Wife: (picking me up from the sidewalk and throwing me head first in the trunk of car) Stay here. I'm driving to another buffet and eating alone, in peace. Good grief!

Me: Yes dear.

Five six seven eight...

Five six seven eight and twist, two three four... yeah I think I got it down. I've decided to become a professional dancer. I figure if I have my own solo ballet, I wouldn't have to share any of the proceeds with anyone. So, if I sell tickets at $80 a pop in a 1000 seat theatre, that would be a cool $80,000 per performance. Sweet. Uh, anyone have a good boom box?


High kick dance routine in the dance studios

Just leave it alone

I'm not a real fan of caulking projects. It's an intense moment when the caulk is being squeezed out of the tube. Squeeze too little out then you try to go back and add some more and you make a mess or you squeeze too much and you wind up making a gloppy mess that way. Worst of all is when you do get it right the first time, but then, thinking you're a talented caulker, you try to fix or improve things (see illustration). My advice would be, if you have it looking "okay" just leave it alone.

First Kiss

Ah yes, the first kiss. I remember it as though it were yesterday. There she was beckoning me to "come hither" as her eyes sparkled in the moonlight. The beauty of her glistening hair was outmatched only by her womanly lips and her one eyebrow told me one thing: I've got to kiss this exemplar of womanhood. And so the rest is history.

Kickball

Remember kickball, where you kick the ball and run around the bases like baseball? I'd like to start a professional league- the NKA- National Kickball Association. Here are the advantages: It's pretty similar to baseball so most people would understand it right away, the ball is big enough so everyone can actually see what's going on, it would be more fast-paced then baseball because every pitch would most likely be a hit (no messing around with all those boring balls and strikes) and there's a lot of kicking so you'd get the soccer fans involved.

Salt Lake's Antelope Island

If you ever thought of camping on Antelope Island, don't. Here's why in a nutshell: No trees, no water, no campfires permitted, (at least when I was there) and no flush toilet (pit only). Go if you like a lot of big spiders and you get a thrill out of walking into vast swarms of (I guess they're some type of small) flies along the shore.

Waiter's dream customer

No matter how bad the food is at a restaurant, I will seldom if ever complain about it. When the waiter comes by and asks how everything is, it's a pretty standard practice for me to say "fine" even if octopus tentacles were slithering through my mashed potatoes. I guess I have a kind of hidden phobia with these food servers. I don't want them to get upset with me and retaliate by spitting into my soup or holding my biscuit under their arm. It's kind of a strange relationship where the servant is actually the master.

Now What?

Oh no, not another blog from Galen. First we get "Galen's Gallery", now we get "Galen's Gab"
What's next? "Galen's Gut" (a blog on recipes) or maybe "Galen's Goofs" ( a blog on, well, Galen's goofs) or "Galen's Ga-Ga" (baby care blog)...
Let's see how this goes.